The Ultimate Harry Potter Romance
by Angel without wings
Summary: EVERYONE loves EVERYONE else! Some-one even falls in love with Voldemort... Hr/R, Hr/Dr, H/Dr and many more...
1. Default Chapter

A note before this starts: We didn't make up these characters, JK did, we just put them in unusual situations, this is not to be taken seriously, and anyone who does so should seek psychiatric help!  
  
  
  
  
  
1 The Ultimate Harry Potter Romance  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter One:  
  
Hermione searches for love.  
  
  
  
"Let's share a Bertie Bott's bean, beautiful" Ron purred sexily.  
  
Hermione giggled. At long last, she and Ron were alone together, in each other's arms. Ron pulled her close, passionately, placing the bean on his tongue. They kissed. It was the moment they had both been waiting for, for so long.  
  
"EURCH!! That's GROSS!" Ron squealed.  
  
"What? I thought it was quite nice"  
  
"MARMITE FLAVOUR! I hate Marmite"  
  
"To quote the Muggle ad, you either love it or you hate it"  
  
"You like it?!?" Ron playfully threw a pillow from the near by conveniently located bed, that is, pillow cupboard.  
  
Hermione's eyes prickled with tears. "YOU insensitive jerk!" She threw a punch at him and missed.  
  
"I didn't mean it"  
  
Still, Hermione sensed that their relationship was falling like the Quaffle in a Quidditch foul. She threw another punch, and hit him square on the forehead. He slumped back as she ran away in tears.  
  
  
  
Hermione was shocked at herself she ran straight into the girls toilets. Without opening the door. Standing before her, looking incredibly sheepish, was Draco Malfoy. Surprised from her sorrow, she shrieked, "WHAT THE BLEEP ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?"  
  
"Language Mudblood!"  
  
"Draco, you bleeping blankety blank, what the bleep are you bleeping doing in the bleeping girls' bleeping bogs?"  
  
"Er, detention?"  
  
Draco shifted uncomfortably, revealing something odd under his trousers.  
  
"And, why the bleep are you wearing fishnet tights?"  
  
"Erm. Well you know how strict McGonagall is."  
  
Hermione softened. It must be so painful, hiding this from everyone. She paused.  
  
"And why have you got a couple of Bludgers chained to your chest under a… BIKINI TOP?"  
  
"Erm…I'm on detention from Madame Hooch too"  
  
Hermione stifled a giggle. She struggled to remain serious. She said kindly, "Would you like to talk about your transvestite tendencies?"  
  
"Er…" he burst into tears. "Yes…I am a transvestite. But it's all for you"  
  
"For me?"  
  
"I thought you were a lesbian"  
  
She tried not to hurt his feelings.  
  
"A BLEEPING LESBIAN? ARE YOU MAD? I know Ron's quite feminine, but…"  
  
He burst into fresh tears.  
  
"Y…Y…You, you an…and, We-weasley?"  
  
"Not anymore. He threw a pillow at me."  
  
"The little BLANKETY BLANK! I'll tell my father about this…he'll get that Weasel"  
  
"Er, yes. Quite."  
  
Draco pulled at Hermione's cloak.  
  
"Can I have this? Let me take it"  
  
"No, it's OK, you don't have to" Hermione choked.  
  
"Honestly, I want to, let me do it please!"  
  
"Draco, I can…can't breathe…un...un-do…the...butto…"  
  
"Butto?"  
  
"BUTTON"  
  
Hermione dies.  
  
There's a bang as Harry runs into the room.  
  
"Malfoy you bleeping blank, what are you doing here?"  
  
Harry notices Hermione's body on the floor, kneels down beside her and starts to give her mouth to mouth. Draco stared in horror.  
  
"You and HER? Did last night mean nothing to you?"  
  
"Draco darling! It's not what it looks like! I have to resuscitate Hermione or Ron will get suspicious" Harry pulled Hermione's huge gold earring from her nose, "Draco, will you marry me?"  
  
"Yes…But there's something you should know"  
  
Harry waited with baited breath.  
  
"Harry…You are pregnant with my child…I examined your urine samples in Potions…"  
  
Hermione stirred.  
  
"Draco, do you like Marmite?" she moaned.  
  
"I love it" Draco replied absentmindedly.  
  
"Draco…I love it too…I love you…let's share some…"  
  
Draco ignored her.  
  
"Harry…you mean so much to me. But there's something else you should know…"  
  
"Yes, Draco, oh love of my life?"  
  
Draco kissed Harry and frowned.  
  
"Hermione's pregnant with your child…I happen to REALLY like urine"  
  
Harry looked at Hermione shocked.  
  
"YOU LYING LITTLE BLEEP. YOU TOLD ME IF WAS FOR A POTION!"  
  
Harry picks up a bar of soap and runs at Hermione, Draco blocks him from her.  
  
"No Harry. The manipulative beep isn't worth it."  
  
Harry falls into Draco's arms and starts to weep as Hermione looks on amazed.  
  
"I really love you Draco" Harry sobs as Draco kisses him softly.  
  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED… 


	2. Hermione searches for love...again

A note before this starts: We didn't make up these characters, JK did, we just put them in unusual situations, this is not to be taken seriously, and anyone who does so should seek psychiatric help!  
  
  
  
1  
  
2  
  
3  
  
4 The Ultimate Harry Potter Romance  
  
  
  
Second Chapter, different to the first, a little bit madder and a little bit worse.  
  
Hermione searches for love…Again.  
  
At the end of the last chapter, Ron had cruelly dumped Hermione and Hermione had professed her love for Draco. However, unknown to her, Draco and Harry were already an item, and they were now engaged. Harry is pregnant with Draco's child – Hermione is pregnant with Harry's. And so, the saga continues…  
  
Moaning Myrtle floated through the wall of the bleeping girls' bleeping bogs, and laughed at the scene before her. Hermione had passed out with the shock, and Harry and Draco had taken this opportunity to…it was disgusting! They were…playing chess in her bathroom! How unhygienic!  
  
"WHAT THE BLEEP DO YOU BLANKETY BLANKS THINK YOU'RE BLEEPING DOING PLAYING BLEEPING CHESS IN MY BLEEPING GIRLS BLEEPING BOGS?"  
  
She looked down.  
  
"That knight's horse has bleeped all over my floor!"  
  
At that moment, Ginny walked in.  
  
"Hermione, Ron told me…"  
  
She saw Harry and Draco playing an end game with Harry only having three pieces left.  
  
"DRACO! How could you play chess with him? I thought I was your only chess mate! Did last night mean nothing to you?"  
  
Harry looked shocked.  
  
"I wondered why you were late."  
  
"Draco I LOVE you!" Yelled Ginny, before she realised that it was becoming cliché. "But you betrayed me. Y-You played chess with some-one else"  
  
Ginny ran out, only to collide with Professor Snape, wearing a mini-skirt.  
  
Snape had never disliked Ginny. It was only because of the sausage incident that had traumatised him, leaving an emotional scar, which would never cease to hurt him, that he despised all Gryffindor and made him treat them badly in Potions. And in the hall. And occasionally at dinner. And if he saw them out shopping a couple of hexes would never go amiss.  
  
"TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR FOR SEEING ME IN A MINI-SKIRT"  
  
"B…but Sir…I'll remove my eyes, please don't take the points. We're already minus 2762 because you took them in Potions."  
  
"Another ten points for being sensible"  
  
"B…but Sir! Mr.Snape! Severus! Sevvie! Proffie! I – I…"  
  
"What is it mudblood?"  
  
"I'm a pureblood!"  
  
"Sorry Herm – Ginny. Wishful thinking. What?"  
  
" I love you!"  
  
"YOU WHAT? 2762 points from Gryffindor for falling in love with an extremely attractive teacher. Wanna snog though?"  
  
"Yeah, OK"  
  
They were just sharing a chocolate frog when Hermione came round, and poked her head out of the door. Snape dropped Ginny (who was half his height) on Hermione's head.  
  
"Hermione" Snape stammered "I know I'm not your sexual preference, but I wondered if you found me remotely attractive in a mini-skirt?"  
  
"What? Why with the mini-skirt?"  
  
"I…er…Aren't you a…um…lesbian?"  
  
"Yes actually." Hermione pulled Ginny to her side. "I love Ginny"  
  
"B…but" Ginny stuttered "I love Snape"  
  
"I thought you loved Draco" Hermione replied.  
  
"Yes. But then he played chess with some one else. Severus would never do that to me. I love Snape."  
  
"But I love Harry" Snape declared.  
  
Harry stuck his head out of the door.  
  
"I love Draco. Now shut the bleep up and bleep off!"  
  
Draco stuck his head out the door. The door was now getting quite crowded. Moaning Myrtle had left in disgust seconds earlier.  
  
"Severus, what are you doing in my mini-skirt?"  
  
"Well Dracie-babes, I could ask the same of my fishnets. I thought Harry liked guys with nice buttocks"  
  
"I'm…uh… sorry Professor." Harry broke in "M-me and Draco are engaged to be married…I'm pregnant with his child"  
  
"I'll never lend you my fishnets again! 1000 points from Gryffindor!"  
  
"But, I'm in Slytherin" Draco said.  
  
"You're meant to love me, and I'm in Gryffindor!" Harry murmured, thinking he had spotted a flaw in the plot.  
  
"Yes" said Snape wincing. "But I…the sausage incident…" 


End file.
